Dad Talk: 5

I’m feeling very emotionally drained today. Since two days ago, Dad has been complaining of pain and body aches. He was doing quite well (refer to post 4) and this Tuesday is his second chemo treatment… now suddenly he’s back into this dreadful pain cycle. Today was the worst; he’s been complaining of pain since morning. He’s barely able to eat as food’s started to taste bitter again. He kept asking my brother and me to rub oil on his back and massage him. He’s been taking painkillers every 8 hours since yesterday and just now, at 9 pm, he wanted to take the tablets again but he last took them at 4 pm. He kept groaning and moaning and hitting his head because the pain’s got to there as well.

Perhaps it’s because I’m so tired of seeing of him in pain or because I’m so helpless or whatever… but I was quite impatient with him today. When I massaged him, I felt annoyed, not sympathetic. I felt like… I don’t know, just wanna get away from this madness.

I’m failing my trial so badly. It’s horrible of me and I know it.

Other than grocery shopping or occasional dinners outside because mom is tired to cook, my routine is basically work-home-work-home and Sunday class from 10am to 12pm. Since my dad was admitted to hospital in late January, I haven’t meet up with friends for dinner or go catch a movie or go shopping or just do anything else. I’ve not been able to save up properly and I don’t think I’d get any travelling/vacationing done this year (except to a seminar in KL in May).

I know I have to be home, help keep an eye on my dad. I know that it’s my responsibility. Most of the time, I can be positive about it, because I know very, very well none of those things matter compared to my dad. But in my moments of weakness, then I get frustrated and upset. And then I have to remind myself about Allah’s words: “Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope.”

And perhaps I’m being sensitive about this, but I don’t seem to be getting emotional support from the people that mattered. I’m thankful that outside of my family, I have my colleagues who would enquire about my dad and who would give me suggestions and advices. But outside of family and work, I find that I have little support. Perhaps it’s unfair of me to expect much. They have their own families, they have their own issues and problems to deal with. They don’t know or don’t quite realize that I’m living with someone whose countdown has begin, a ticking bomb…

Allah says, “And those who believe (in Allah and His Messenger) and do righteous good deeds, to them We shall surely give lofty dwellings in Paradise, underneath which rivers flow, to live therein forever. Excellent is the reward of the workers, Those who are patient and put their trust (only) in their Rabb.”

It’s so hard to be patient in trials and one needs constant reminding. But it is expected, because the price for the final abode (Jannah/Paradise) is not cheap. If anyone could just go into Paradise, what’s the point of living out our lives on earth? Why can’t we do anything we want on this earth or believe in anything we want? If the elite of this world need to fork millions and billions to own state-of-the-art dwellings, need to work so hard in the first place to earn that million and billions, why would it be any different for the eternal abode of which no eyes have ever witnessed or no mind could ever imagine its splendour and grandiose? And Allah the Most Compassionate and Merciful has told us the ways we could earn our ticket to Jannah.

So I know patience is one of the ways of me earning that millions and billions for my eternal home. I’d have to always keep that in mind. And I know my father is in an even better position to earn more than me, because he’s the one suffering.

May Allah make ease the affairs of my family… and if He wills it, may my dad recover soon. Amin.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. nyshazia
    Mar 24, 2014 @ 13:52:06

    May Allah give your father health and recovery and make things easy for you and your family. Ameen. Sister if you ever need to talk, I’m here to help.

    Reply

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